Why?

A lot of people have asked me why...Why am I using a web site to date? Why am I not looking for a long term relationship? Why am I sharing such personal and at times humiliating information in such a public way? There are many answers to all of those questions so I will try as best I can to to explain.

Why on line dating?
I chose the on line dating simply because I was failing at meeting men in others ways. Going to bars to meet men is terrible. The majority of men at a bar are looking for one thing. This would be great if I was "that" kind of girl but it can also be a huge blow to the ego when you see other woman getting hit on by great looking men and the only one that will talk to you is the guy that is so drunk he passes out mid sentence.

At a friends suggestion I tried the grocery store. Apparently a lot of single men shop for their meals early in the evening and as we all know food is the great common denominator. "Working" the grocery store is a bit like playing "CSI", you are looking for clues in their shopping basket.

"Good" clues:
Fresh basil, fresh fruit and vegetables, organic chicken, low fat milk, one or two healthy frozen meals, a good bottle of extra virgin olive oil, whole bean coffee, fresh bread. These types of items mean they appreciate good food and enjoy preparing it.

"Bad" clues:
Fruit roll ups, frozen pizzas in bulk, a gallon of chocolate milk, two or three bags of Doritos, industrial size jar of garlic salt, canned spaghetti. These types of food mean they are probably still living their "frat boy" days.

After you analyze the clues you then have to make an approach and that approach has to be non-threatening. I prefer to start with something benign like "PLEASE go out on a date with me!".....Okay, not really, I usually will ask for their opinion on a fresh ingredient or how they like to prepare broccoli rabe. I will say that the grocery store did yield a date. We had a nice dinner but when he started talking about wanting lots of children I realized that although I knew his taste in food, there was little else I knew about him.

It was also suggested that I try going to a "home improvement" store. There are lots of men buying supplies so they can go do manly things. Who doesn't want to meet a man that is good with their hands! I went on a Saturday morning, around 9:00 and left by 9:10. Sure, there were tons of men! Sweaty men who had no interest in anything except drill bits and plywood.

On line dating offers me the ability to filter down to the type of person I wouldn't mind spending some time with. Sure, a LOT of people are not 100% honest in their profile, I expect that. Would any of us want to list under "interests" that we like sitting on the couch in our underwear, watching reality TV while eating peanut butter straight out of the jar (no spoon)? We try to make our interests seem, well, interesting. My approach to reading through profiles is simple - I look for profiles that seem to be written by someone with a basic understanding of the English language. If their profile is in all caps, has too many emoticons, if they do not have proper use of "your" and "you're", if they have an aversion to punctuation and spelling out short words ("i like rock music n wud luv 2 take you 2 where your going to want 2 dance") I move to the next one.

I also filter by profile pictures. This may sound shallow but it is not what you think. The picture people choose to represent themselves say a lot about them. A photo with a genuine smile will make me want to look further into a person's profile. Photos that will make me move on to the next profile are:

A picture of you taking a picture of yourself in the mirror, you surrounded by strippers (yes, I am serious), a posed photo of you with your hand on your hip, a photo of you with someone who has had their face blurred out (it may be an ex but please, try cropping), a photo of you balancing empty beer bottles on your expansive belly, a group photo where you don't give me a clue as to which one is you.

Once you sort through all of this a few candidates will rise to the top. From there it's just a matter of sending messages and waiting for responses. Once you get a response you can then chat on line and then decide if you have enough in common to meet in person.

Why not a long term relationship?
It's not that I don't want a long term relationship someday, I just do not want it now. The last 20 years of my life were spent being part of a couple. Everything was about "we" and "us". I never realized how much of myself I lost by being so enmeshed with another person. It took a while but I am finally starting to figure out who I am and am truly enjoying my independence.

Why are you sharing all of this?
To put it simply, how can I not share? For those of you that know me, you know I love to talk and you know I love to laugh. You also know that I may be one the most socially awkward people in existence. I have no coordination, an unfortunate trait that seems to afflict a good part of my family. I have been told by many that I have "no filter" - I tend to blurt things out without thinking, perhaps I have a mild form of Tourette's. I tend to laugh too loud which can frighten small children and at times, my co workers. Although I am not overweight, I am far from rail-thin - I love to cook and I love to eat. I love an ice cold beer while watching football. I have a good sense of humor. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

In spite of (or maybe because of) all of those wonderful traits, I do believe that one day I will be ready to settle down and there will be a very strong man to take me on. The dates I have been on and the things that are happening have been fodder for a lot of conversations. I had people tell me that I should write it all down. I am not a writer by any definition of the word but I figured "why not"! I can do this!

So I did......

~Annie

Next post.....The trucker, the corvette guy.....and round 2 with "harley man"

The ride....

.....I meet up with the "harley man" and we hop on his bike. This is only my second time on a bike (the first time being the night before) but I am not at all nervous. He asks where I would like to go and for the first time in my life I relinquish control....It is all up to him! With no schedule or particular destination in mind, I wrap my arms around him and we ride. Southwest Florida is an amazingly beautiful place and there is so much that I have not seen even though I have been here for 5 years. The view from where I sit takes my breath away as we drive through canopies of old-growth palm, pine and oak trees. Between the trunks of these massive trees you can catch glimpses of the Gulf of Mexico as well as a homes ranging from quaint little beach cottages to enormous sea side mansions. I am in awe...Riding on the back of a bike is a very intense experience!

We decide to pull into a tiki bar/restaurant on one of the beaches for something cold to drink. While he grabs us a seat, I head to the ladies room to brush the knots out of my hair. When I see myself in the mirror, I can't help but smile.....my face is flushed, my hair is wild and I have a strange look on my face. What is this look? I finally realize that I simply look happy.....something I haven't seen on my face in a while! Whether it was from the stimulating ride or the gentleman I am spending some time with, I don't know. It doesn't matter....It just feels good!

I head out to the tiki bar where harley man has found us a couple of seats and ordered us a couple of beers. We talk, laugh and enjoy the warm sun reflecting off the ocean. We grab a bite to eat and get back on the bike...time to find a place to watch some football!

I could go into great detail about the rest of the day but I would prefer to keep that to myself. I will say that when I got home later that evening the smile on my face was still there.....

Next post.....Why am I blogging??

~Annie

A biker and a gentleman

"When we last left Annie she was being caressed by a man in a leather vest....Let's see what happened"

Soooo, harley man starts chattin' me up!! He looks..well, he looks like a biker and he has one of the thickest Boston accents I have heard in a while. This is the type of man that I would normally smile at and then pick up my phone and pretend to be engaged in some serious conversation with my serious (imaginary) boyfriend. But for some reason I am immediately intrigued with this man. Was it those kind eyes I referred to in my last post? Was it his easy confidence? Was it the way he politely introduced himself and repeated my name twice when I told it to him? Yes, it was all of those things but I was most intrigued by his quiet intelligence. His laid back manner and complete lack of pretentiousness was pleasantly surprising. We fell quickly into an easy conversation about the beauty of Florida and the current disastrous state of politics which then segued into in a very deep and serious analysis about the mechanics and engineering of.........vibrators!

How we got onto that subject I'm not quite sure but the strange thing was that I did not feel the least bit embarrassed by the fact that I had just shared with some strange "harley man" my critique of a certain personal pleasure device. We shared a drink and he asked for my number - I actually said no. I told him that as much as I enjoyed talking to him I didn't know him well enough but if I saw him at the watering hole again I would gladly share another conversation with him. He thanked me, stood to leave and leaned close to my ear and said he would come back and look for me.

The next day (Saturday) I had another "coffee date". Let's call him "Dude". Dude was v-e-r-y mellow.

I don't have much to say about Dude simply because it was almost impossible to carry on a conversation with someone who could barely keep his eyes open. I "jokingly" asked him if he needed a nap, he yawned (twice) and said "yeah". I bought him a cup of herbal tea and walked out feeling like the most boring person in the world.

Where do I go when I am feeling down?? I go to the watering hole! I just wanted a cold beer and some spicy pulled pork sliders before I went home to spend my Saturday night with a crappy Lifetime movie.

The beer was extra cold and the sliders were perfection - Lots of spicy, drippy sauce!! As I am not so seductively licking the remnants of pulled pork from my fingers I feel a hand on my back and hear a think Boston accent saying "I know those wings". I try to grab a napkin to wipe the drippy sauce that I am sure is on my face (sooo very sexy) and knock over a glass of water. I am a walking advertisement for gracelessness and how NOT to be sexy! Luckily harley man is too much a gentleman to point and laugh....he simply smiles sweetly and asks if I enjoyed my dinner.

Once again, the conversation flows freely. Since it is a Saturday night there is the steady stream of regulars coming in and we both take little "breaks" from our talk to greet our friends. This turns out to be a good thing. I am one of those people who feel that you can sometimes learn a lot about someone by listening to them converse with other people. As I watched him chatting with friends I noticed how warmly they greeted him and how he seemed to hang on their every word. Even though we were interrupted quite a bit he always remembered where our conversation left off. Time was flying by and the next thing I knew it was time for me to pick up the blue haired boy from work. I said I had to go.....He asked for my number......I asked him to walk me to my car.....He offered to give me a ride on his Harley to my car......I told him my car was only about 100 feet away.....he said we could take the long way....So I gave him my number, hopped on the back and felt the rush of wind through my hair as we drove around the block to get to my car. I highly recommend this mode of transportation!!

He "helps" me off the bike and leans close....Now, you need to understand that I have not been properly kissed is a very long time. Let's just say that I was properly kissed in the most improper way - I think I actually swooned! He leaves me with a promise to call and the temptation of a long ride the following day.

I will be honest, I did not expect him to call and it really didn't matter if he did. After the conversation and sweet kiss I was feeling pretty good about myself. It finally hit me that although I may not be the youngest, prettiest or thinnest woman, I am starting to like myself again and starting to get back the confidence I had lost. It was a big moment for me and I knew that I had finally turned a corner. I still have a long way to go but I am less afraid of the journey I am taking.

I sleep better that night then I have in months. I wake up, make a cup of tea and take it out to the little deck off my back door. I close my eyes, turn my face to the warm sun and feel tears in my eyes. For once they are not tears of sadness....they are tears of relief that I am finally (although slowly) moving forward, tears of acceptance of the second chance I am getting (even though I didn’t want it) and tears of happiness that I was kissed so well!! I laugh out loud at myself and sit down to enjoy my cup of tea and the beauty of the day.

I hear my phone beep with a text.....it's the harley man. Do I want to go for a ride?

HELL YES!

Next post...."Knees to the breeze and wind in your hair" (thank you to Denise for this phrase)

~Annie

Changing the lures...dates #2 & #3

After my "draft beer only" date with Bud I was a little disheartened but not discouraged. I decided to be more selective. Here is my modified criteria

• I increased my desired age range to 45 to 55
• They must be financially stable (not rich, just stable)
• They don't have to be REALLY cute (although it helps)
• They should act their age (or at least act like an adult)

With that done, I cast my line again. "Meet me" requests started flooding my inbox!! Ok, I got 8 requests. Here is a rundown:

#1 - 21 yrs old. His message: "hay babe id loved 2 meet u" I didn't even bother checking his profile
#2 - 47 yrs old. His message: "You have a beautiful smile" This man is brilliant!
#3 - 72 yrs old. His message: "I will take care of you if you take care of me (wink)" Ewww!!
#4 - 45yrs old. His message: "You have pretty eyes" Another smart man!
#5 through #8 messaged things that I will not print here. I should be completely disgusted but I was just a teensy bit flattered (I know, but it's been a long time since I have received compliments)

I check out the profiles of 2 and 4 and they seem normal enough so I send the same message to both. It says" I'd like to chat with you and if we can carry on a conversation on-line then we should carry that conversation to a coffee shop to chat in person"

I am soooo clever!!

Both respond and we chat. #2 seems funny and smart. He is a nurse but is taking a sabbatical (yes, he used that word). He likes really bad horror movies and really good books. He takes me up on the coffee date. #4 is a little shy but once he gets over his nerves he is very sweet. He tells me of his volunteer work at a shelter and agrees to coffee.

Coffee date with #2 starts off well. He looks like his photo and holds the doors for me. We order coffee and he pays then we find a table and start talking. The conversation flows freely and easily until I ask if he has children. He starts to tear up! His young child had recently passed away and he was, needless to say, an emotional wreck. I decided to end the date by telling him that he needed to take some time to recover and that right now was not the time to look for a relationship. He thanked me and we exchanged numbers. He called me the next day and told me he appreciated my honesty and that he was taking his profile down for a while and was just going to focus on himself.

Coffee date with #4 was, in a word, AWFUL! First of all he looked much older than his photo and the age of 45 he claimed to be - MUCH older. Then after a minute or two of pleasantries he launches into a tirade about "Jew bankers" and "faggots" ruining our country. I paid for my own coffee and got it to go.

Discouraged and a little freaked out by #4 I decide to head for my favorite watering hole to have something other than coffee to drink and to see some familiar, friendly faces. Immediately upon stepping into the place I can feel myself relax and before I can even sit down the wonderful bartender has already poured my drink and set it on the bar...I love this place! I immediately become engaged in conversation with a couple of the regulars and we swap dating stories. As the place gets busier people start standing behind those of us seated at the bar. This happens all the time and you kind of get used to being bumped and brushed against by customers reaching for drinks or attempting to get the bartender's attention. I didn't flinch when I felt a hand on my upper back and I didn't even flinch when someone whispered in my ear "I love your wings". I have two wings tattooed near my shoulders and often get comments on them. I turned to thank the man who gave the compliment and found myself looking into the kindest eyes I have ever seen......and he was wearing a leather motorcycle vest. Should I cast my net wider?

Next post....the Harley man.

~Annie

Casting the line....

So I set up the profile and was very clear that I am NOT looking for a long term relationship. I then chose a fairly cute and recent photo for my profile pic.

Do I look Cute? Fun? Old?

The blue haired boy is my son. I wanted to make sure that the hundreds of men viewing my profile knew that my child was an adult and that if needed, he could kick their ass!

Within minutes I had about 10 "meet me" requests. I was so excited!! Then I open the first request and this is staring at me...Yikes!

I won't bore you (right now) with the tweaking I had to do to my profile so I would get potential matches more suited to me but eventually I started getting "meet me" requests that interested me.

I weeded through and came across a guy I'll call "Bud". Bud was my age, owned his own business, just wanted to date and had a really cute profile pic! I sent him an instant message and he replied. We chatted for about 20 minutes that evening and for about 20 minutes the next evening. He was funny and a little sarcastic (2 qualities I require!!) and did I mention he was cute?

He asked for my number so we could talk....I thought long and hard about giving out my number to someone I didn't know and after about 12 seconds I sent it to him (did I mention that he was REALLY cute??)

He called and had a nice voice, he was also able to hold a conversation. Our witty banter kept us on the phone for close to an hour, not too bad! He asked me out for a drink and once again I agonized over meeting someone I barely knew....this time I thought about it for 16 second before saying "yes". (He was REALLY, REALLY cute!). Place and time were set. Saturday at 7:30. This only left me 3 days to get ready!!

I spent those 3 days trying to put together the perfect look. I want to look sexy but not slutty. I wanted to look stylish but not trendy. I wanted to look interested but not desperate. I narrowed it down to a cute, open weave, off the shoulder sweater (black) with a strappy tank underneath (also black), my previously mentioned jeans and black boots. I threw on some funky but not too funky silver jewelry and presented myself to my personal stylist, the blue haired boy. After a suggestion to swap the black boots for the brown (too "matchy" according to blue haired boy) I slapped on some lipstick (a sheer and shiny plum color), got some words of encouragement from blue haired boy and headed to the location.

I arrive, walk in the door and to my surprise Bud has shown up and looks exactly like his picture (did I mention he was REALLY cute)! We greet each other (awkward half hug) and sit at the bar. The bartender comes over to take my drink order and before I can get out the words "miller lite" Bud says "I only have 10 bucks until payday so would you mind ordering a draft?"

Ooookaaay.....I am a little taken back but decide to let it go. Maybe it's a joke?? He is funny and did I mention that he was REALLY cute? So the beer comes and we start talking. I ask if he was joking about the "10 dollars until payday" comment. After all, he does own his own business. It's no joke...according to him some "rich jerk" didn't pay him for the job he had done and it left him a little short. A little??? I decide to play it cool, I don't want him to think that all I care about is money.

So I change the subject. The conversation goes something like this"

Me: So where is your family from?
Him: Ohio
Me: Nice! Go Buckeyes!
Him: Huh?
Me: Ohio Buckeyes?
Him: Oh
Me: So, what do you do in your free time?
Him: Smoke weed
Me: ...........
Him: I used to drink alot but I got 3 DUI's in the past year so I mostly smoke now.
Me: ..................
Him: .............
Me: Sooo......
Him: This is fun!
Me: Um yeah but I have to meet the blue haired boy in about 15 minutes so I've got to go.
Him: Ok, at least I'll have some money left over for a smoke ha, ha.
Me: I am going to the ladies room and then I'm leaving.
Him: Ok, we should do this again!. I'll call you!

I walk (very fast) to the ladies room, send the blue haired boy a text and then wait about 10 minutes. I finally emerge from the ladies room and thankfully Bud is gone. I start to leave the bar when the bartender calls me over and asks if I like tequila. I say "yes, but why?" He says he is buying me a shot to make up for the most uncomfortable 10 minutes in not only my life but his as well. He poured a Patron for each of us and we drank a toast to "fishing and throwing them back".

~Annie

Next post, a pleasant surprise....

How did I get here (or WTFJH)??

What can happen in 20 years? You can meet a guy and he becomes your best friend. You can watch that guy jump in and out of meaningless relationships while he watches you do the same. You can realize that you and this guy are a perfect fit and he realizes it too...You can move in together, get married, be deliriously happy and have the kind of marriage that people envy. You can find your soul mate.

What can happen in 20 seconds? That guy can make it all disappear. All it takes is one sentence..."I am in love with someone else".

What The Fuck Just Happened??
After lots of crying, screaming, wallowing in booze and self pity I was finally able to pull myself up and put myself out there. But....I just want to date. This means I am not actively looking for a long term thing, I am not trying to find my "soul mate" (did that once and it is WAY overrated), I JUST WANT TO DATE!

So, first decided to try it the old fashioned way - getting picked up in a bar! I put on my sexiest jeans (you know, the pair that magically raises your cheeks up to the height they sat at 15 years ago), a tasteful but low cut top that showed just the right amount of cleavage (I have been told by many brilliant men that I have a "great rack"), some moisturizer to smooth out those lines around my eyes that seem to have appeared overnight then I "sexified" my hair. When I looked in the mirror I thought "Baby, you are HOT", then I realized I really was hot....I was having a hot flash!

After the sweat dried I headed out to my favorite watering hole, found the perfect spot at the bar so my beauty could be see by all and ordered a Goose and tonic, hold the tonic.

Sure enough I was approached by a very attractive man...blue eyes, black hair, great body and nice smile...woo hoo! He sat next to me and saw my cigarettes (yes, I am a smoker) and said "I can't believe I found another smoker, you know we are a dying breed!" Bad joke but an attempt at humor nonetheless.

We talked and smoked for a while, exchanged names and he bought me a drink....pretty good so far. So I asked his age and he said he was 50....I coyly said "Oh good, I only date older men". He chuckled and said "Good, I only date younger woman". He asked my age so I seductively flipped my hair and told him "40ish". His response was "...........oh, you are a lot older than I thought. I don't date woman that old." My response "oh, that's good cuz I don't date shallow a--holes"!

He leaves quickly, I stay and order another Goose. I meet 2 more men that night and have pretty much the same experience with them. Disgusted, I go to leave and run into a male friend I will call "the dog whisperer". I tell him about my poor attempt at meeting men my age and that I have no idea what I am doing. The dog whisperer tells me to try on line dating. He does it all the time and has met some great people. He also tells me that here in Southwest Florida, men in my age group do not want to date women in my age group. They are looking for 25 year old trophies to display and brag to their friends about. The dog whisperer should know, he is a man in my age group!

I get home, pour myself a large glass of water and start researching the many sites out there. I decide on one of the free site because I do not want to pay money only to find that the online men are just as bad and the men I met that night. I register, fill out a "questionnaire" and create a profile....

Let the fishing begin!
~Annie
Next post....my first date.